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Two Days Prior to Departure - December 2, 2003
This was the leadoff batter for my lineup of mediocrity in the field of ridiculous
emails and a general waste of everyone's time. People made the mistake of encouraging me. Dumb.
"Live, Live Live!"
In the immortal words of Beavis,
"Why buy the whole seat when you only need the EDGE???!!"
"Live, live, lift off!!!!! Roadtrip Jamboree 2003, right
here, from the Shorts's box-packed diningroom, where headquarters central are about to change."
"Yes, here we are folks, the first stage of the journey is well
underway. We have officially closed down our old mail, and Earthlink is up and running, but we have no phone line."
(This is snag one-somewhere in the void of space, an astrophysical
pair of cosmic pantyhose RIPS, right down the center.......)
OH my.
"SO, to let all of you know, I will be broadcasting LIVE LIVE
LIVE! from our traveling headquarters from Kentucky, where......
"HAPPINESS IS FORT KNOX IN MY REAR VIEW MIRROR........."
"Next time, our show will air from the livingroom of Melissa Tussey,
across the street. Our guests will include Kyle, Madison's tub of 3rd grade love and his brother, Blake, who likes to
break things. We will be discussing how we are going to pack our new bedroom set into our rented Uhaul and how Kurt
is going to open a six pack of fun in their faces."
"Yes sir, the Uhaul people tried to pull a fast one on us today.
We rented from Fort Knox instead of Radcliff to get a closer mileage, and now they are telling OUR Uhaul is in Elizabethtown.
Will Kurt lose it?"
"Tune in tomorrow to find out."
"Our guests tonight are Gator X Shorts and his cohorts in crime,
the four cats of Pressler Grove, Barney, Badger, Eissa, and Nomad."
"So, Gator, how was your first day?"
"Well, I finally get to be outside without the fence, and I am
not allowed to leave the yard. It was unsettling, but I received a bunch of Milk Bones for my staying ability, so I
would say the whole affair has started off on an even keel. My stuff is gone, but I got to keep my 2 beds and my giant
tennis ball."
"So, Gator, I hear you didn't attempt to rip anyone's head off,
today, is that a fact?"
"Woof, yes, I sat under the dining room table and let the
packers leave with all four limbs......."
"Gator, I saw you getting love from a woman you had just met,
is this for real?"
"Yes, she was great, and she smelled like roast beef. I
was so upset about my stuff, though, that I slept all evening. I pooped alot."
"Thank you, and now for our other guests, first, basement mates,
female cat Eissa and male cat Nomad."
So, Nomad, why is Eissa so mad-----
"I'll tell you why, the damned half of a man slept in our litter
pan ALL DAY. I couldn't pee. So, I had to pee around him. It was ridiculous. And, to make matters
worse, he batted the water bowel around the first 15 minutes we had it, which is why you had to attach it to the crate side,
and Mom, just you wait until I get my paws on you, I'm going to pee on everything you have and th-"
"OKAY! Enough from the house diva. So Nomad, why WERE
you in the litter box all day?"
"She's a neurotic mess. I needed my boundaries, woman"
"U hum, is there anything else you'd like to add?"
"Yes, I have a water bowel fetish, is that enough? Can we
all get enough of this??????? OKAY, I LIKE TO PLAY IN THE WATER BOWL, SO SUE ME......!"
"Okay, I see Nomad has had enough of the spotlight. Let's
go upstairs to see Barney and Badger in the master bedroom, crated for their protection."
"So, Badger, Badger? Hey, where are you? Oh,
come on out..... Folks, it appears that Badger has dug underneath the pillow,
and she's not talking. I bet Barney will."
"You are darned strait I will. She's pouting because she
can't go to her trailer. What a prima donna. Darn. And, hey, in case you didn't notice, I am HUNGRY here."
"Yes, and you weigh, like, more than you should."
"Okay, mom, and those two blobs in the back of your shorts are
canned hams?"
"I see that we are not doing so well, here in coach."
"What!!! COACH? At least coach has little packs of
peanuts, and where the Heck is my union representative???? I demand to see Morris asap, and if not, well, you may be
finding hairballs in your suitcase if I have to projectile them acr-"
"Well, that concludes my interview with the four legged and disgruntled
of Pressler Grove. We will try to resume broadcast tomorrow or the day after at Melissa's house for some overall fun
and total nonesensical poop. If and WHEN Kurt finally loses it, we will see if we can attach a sound blerb. It
should be great."
"Transcripts of this broadcast can be gotten by, printing, you
weenies."
"The management of this channel is so, like, not responsible for
the mad woman typing this. None of the normal people here agree with her. Keep hands and feet away at all times."
Talk to you all later this week.
Installment Two
This was the first email I sent out from the road.
"Testing, testing......."
"Is this thing on? Wait, where's the microphone..........."
"LIVE LIVE LIVE! We are BACK ON THE AIR!!! After
a four day hiatus, we are tuned in from Iowa City, Iowa, where it's like.......
"Cold, with lots of corn."
"Tonight, we have updates from the road."
"First, Kyle Tussey, who was supposed to be our guest at our
last airing had a prior engagement scheduled for the Pressler Grove Playground, where he had previously committed for 2 showings
of Chubby Boys Can't Do Monkey Bars. He has been working very hard on his airial flailings, and they are very close
to looking intentional."
"We wish him the best."
"Our guests in the studio tonight are Thomas and Madison Shorts.
Madison has agreed to be interviewed sans appearance fee, but Mr. Shorts has demanded internet time to look for Playstation
2 cheats for his video games."
"So, Thomas, what has been your favorite part of the trip so
far?"
"The driving and the Bud Light Dedication Commercials.
I liked the one dedicated to the man who writes the instructions for needing assembly furniture. It made my dad laugh."
"Madison, how about you?"
"Uhhhh, playing the Gameboy Advance and........getting to hug
Daddy and take naps in the big truck that are, like, one or two or three hours."
"Madison, question, what didn't you like about your Chicago
Style pizza tonight?"
"I think it's yucky to have the sauce on top of the cheese.
I want to play Hamtaro now."
"I guess that's it for our guests this evening, so I should
go to our hotel raters this evening, the Fab Five formerly of Fort Knox, Gator X, Barney, Eissa, Badger, and Nomad.
OK guys and girls, you don't have your own show on Bravo, but how do you think the hotels have been so far?"
Nomad "Well, this Motel 8 is better than the one we stayed
at last night, because the bathroom we are stuck in doesn't have that deafening fan permanently on all the time, and it has
the sink in here instead of on the other wall. I like to sit in it. It's like a giant water bowl."
"Yes, that's right, you came 'out of the closet' during our
last airing, how does it feel to be an openly admitted water splasher?"
Nomad "It's OK. Barney keeps on whispering 'swish, fizz'
every time I'm about ready to drop off for a nap, but I've been getting back at him. I've been swatting his tail like
mad when he's about to drop trough in the box. I'd have to say we are even. I tease him about hitting the wall,
and he teases me about the bowl. I say to him,'at least I'm AIMING for the water bowl, Geritol Boy.'"
"Sounds like things have come to blows between you two.
Let's hear from the females of the group. Eissa and Badger, how has the trip been for you?"
Eissa "Cold as *&$^(#&."
Badger "Word, G."
"Any other comments on the U-Haul accomodations for the driving
portion of our journey?"
Eissa "Nomad has gas, and he still thinks it's funny to stay
in the box at all times during the driving. He's such a wanker."
Badger "I like the bathrooms. They don't rock back and
forth. Who taught that bald guy how to drive, Keith Richards? I mean, it's like a feline blender in here."
"I see. So, Kurt has been all over the road?"
Barney "I hope my HMO covers more Rimadyl for this. My
legs are so sore from holding onto the bars that I can't even whack Eissa when she walks by. It's no fun not being able
to give her a reason to shake it."
"And you wonder why you haven't seen anything but the bathroom
the entire trip?"
"OK, now for the portion of the trip where we go to our location
expert, Gator X, who will tell us a little bit about the route we've taken so far."
"Well, I got to pee in Indianapolis. The rest stop and
Motel 8 were moderately littered with fellow canine's left-behinds, so I would say that people in Indiana are slightly negligent
about picking up after us."
"I saw alot of rain, and I couldn't nap very well, because
mom kept changing radio stations looking for something other than Bing Crosby singing White Christmas and country music.
Galesburg, in Indiana, though, swept me off all four of my feet. There was poop everywhere."
"I see, so Indianians are very nasty?"
"Word to my homeys, bring along the Bio Spot and those fruity
slippers people put on us in cold weather. And, don't lick the ground or door handles."
"Very good. How about Illinois and Iowa?"
"Growl. The blues stations in Illinois are the bomb,
but the gun nuts are probably building the bombs. All along the roads, we saw wonderful slogans for how safe guns are.
gunsaresafe.com? I think there should be one that lists under bitingnutsisfun.com Give me a url address and we're
off."
"I got to listen to Big Mama Thorton, who, by the way, wrote
on of my alltime favorites, 'Hound Dog', Earl Hooker, and Clarence Gatemouth Brown. The road conditions today were much
better than yesterday. I didn't have to pee in the rain."
"I see, and can you tell our listeners, about the natives we've
met along the way?"
"Bark. There was a trucker who looked like Elvis's skinny
cousin, some man with a pony tail outside the store in Galesburg, and a woman in the Iowa City Motel 8 hallway about 2 hours
ago who nearly fainted when I walked by. It was mutual, though, she smelled like bad drug store perfume. I almost
died."
"How was the weather today?"
"Nice and sunny, but kind of cold. Saw some Hummers on
the road, and lots of corn."
"That's great. Thanks for the report."
"OK folks, onto the mileage report. We seem to have only
come 550 miles, which means we might make it to Ft. Lewis by the time we have to PCS again. It seems slow, but hey,
what a load."
"We can't decide whether to stay on Interstate 80 or go to
90 or 25 or 29. Either way, we are going to be hating life very soon. We have to bring the plants in every night,
and then hope they don't freeze during the beginnings of our day."
"So, I think that about covers it for the night. I asked
Kurt if he had anything to say, but he says no. He's too busy playing Reel Fishing Three on PS2. He had to buy
some beer, because he says you can't fish without beer. I guess that's why he's getting outsmarted by virtual fish.
Even the bluegill are dodging the hook. I think we're being too loud and are scaring them. Haha."
"I should have another installment in tomorrow night.
Gator's going to give us the lowdown on taking a bath in a strange bathroom and the mattress quality he's encountered since
leaving Knox. Madison and Thomas will give a report on the food situation and what they have liked the best."
"All in all, things are OK. We have a little money, no
one's asked us to leave yet. I did tip the hotel maids this morning, though, due to litter yuck in the bath tub.
Barney has owned up to most of the damage, and is making no excuses for his behavior."
"Make sure to tune in tomorrow, when we will also discuss the
differences between quiki mart and home toilet paper."
"The opinions aired are not neccessarily the same as
the station broadcasting this portion of the show. All inquiries and or comments should be emailed to expensivewino13@earthlink.net, the home of the three dollar bill."
Installment Three
It's kind of fun reading this one, as my daugher was still breaking out into ridiculous
rashes back in the days of Fort Knox lead. However, my favorite part of all this is to remember how fast they grow up.
She was so young back then and her remarks truly show that.
"We're back on the air for broadcast three!!!"
"LIVE LIVE LIVE, FROM GRAND ISLAND, NEBRASKA, IT'S THE SHORTS'
ON SNOW......."
"We have a jam-packed episode lined up for tonight. Many,
many things have happened in the past 24 hours since we last tuned in from Iowa City, Iowa. There have been major updates
in the dog poop competition and the toilet paper survey being conducted by Thomas Shorts. Let's check in with the tp
master as he sits and plays Ninja Assault on his PS2."
"So, Thomas, how did the toilet paper ratings go today?"
"I have figured out that Hardy's has good paper. It's
not cheap, and it's quilted. It's not the best one we tried out this week, but since Hardy's is a chain, it's probably
regulated, and it's where I will take my prairie dogs for a walk EVERY time."
"Okay.....that's a little more information than I need to hear.
What about the best and the worst?"
"Grinnell is a little town in Iowa that boasts the best hamburgers
in the state and 16 types of ice cream, and an albino cashier they don't boast about, but was pretty cool anyway. This
place has Quilted Northern, the first time we came across the high quality stuff I crave. So far, this place is in the
lead."
"And.....who's the worst?"
"Man, Super 8 Hotel. Love the rooms, like the mattresses,
HATE THAT SCOTT TOILET TISSUE. I mean, what grade sandpaper is that stuff?"
"I have to agree, Thomas, I don't appreciate it either."
"Yeah, well, can I go back to my game now?"
"OK, and thank you for the report. Onto our mileage report.
We have officially traveled 934 miles, and unofficially 945. We had to go 11 miles off the interstate today to get to
Grand Island. Tonight, we are staying at a Howard Johnson's, as the Super 8 here has its pool closed this week, and
Madison has been jonesing to swim. We've encountered a minor setback with this, also, as it seems Maddie's also
allergic to chlorine, among other things. So, onto our special guest of the night, Madison, for her report on her hives."
"So, Madison, how did you get your hives?"
"When I went into the hot tub and then when I got out I had
hives. And, there is a huge lump on my butt."
"I think that's from wearing your bathing suit for the past
two days."
"Yes. But it's itching. I wanted to swim last night,
so I left my suit on."
"So, you traveled over 731 miles with a bathing suit on?"
"Big lump."
"Yes, we know about the big lump. Uh oh folks, we've
gone into a live rendition of the Maddie Shorts dance. If only you, the listener, could be in the studio now.
We've got happy feet and massive giggling. Speaking of giggling, folks, we had a major giggling fit last night after
nights out in Iowa City. Kurt was the only one who could keep a strait face. Gator took the opportunity to hump
the blankets into a huge ball and he panted like crazy for over half an hour. And, Madison has just informed me she
likes tacos. Let's make a note of this....."
"Now, we've got one of the regulars in the studio tonight.
He's the leader of the four-legged Fab Five, let's welcome Gator X back to the microphone."
"Hi mommy."
"Hey sweetie, do you have a road report for the people back
home?"
"Woof. Sure. The poop count has doubled, thank
you very much, and I am sad to say we have a new leader in the state with the worst doggie owners. Yessir, Iowa not
only has corn, but also, it seems, dogs who eat alot of it."
"Did you see more than you expected today?"
"Do you remember that place we stopped by just east of Shelby,
Iowa? Man, talk about poop central. Now I know why there are certain bathrooms that you won't go into. That's
what this country is, one big doggie bathroom........Now, mommy, I don't want to go off on a rant here, but...."
"Oh sweet Jesus, here we go, Elvis is about ready to get out
of the building-"
"Grooowwwll. I mean, Damn, what is up with all of you
out there on two legs? OOOOoooo, yucky, don't eat that, it fell on the FLOOR.....ooooooo. For shame. OOOOhhhhh,
can't share a glass with someone, might get, OOOO, HUMAN COOTIES. But, hey, it's only rotting fecal material,
hey!!! I got a great idea, let's LEAVE IT HERE!!!!! Yeah! Cool! Let's leave all this POOP in our environment!"
"I need a drink."
"You need to let me bite some of these ignoramusses.
I bet you didn't even spell that right, did you? I now understand why people look at me funny; they think you are like
all the other idiots in this world, them and their little 8 pound poop machines. And, by the way, if any of you in the
audience leave poopoo lying around, I'll tell my friends to pee on your lawn and stain it. Have some decency."
"My, my, someone's got his dander up. What about the
rest of your report, dear?"
"Uh? Oh, yeah, OK. Iowa smells like cows.
It's big, flat, and it smells like cows. Iowa is a cow patty."
"Okay. Great imagery. What would you expect from
someone who humps the blankets for something to do?"
"The trip today put us closer to our goal of Ft. Lewis by almost
400 miles, all in all a good day on the road. We have noticed some great differences between the midwest and the mid-southeast.
One of them is turn signals. I think that Kentucky is in, like, the turn signal Bermuda Triangle, because they all seem
to disappear somewhere around the state line, and reappear after you get out. The void here seems totally non-existent,
as I have actually seen turn signals, and no pickup trucks with gun racks. I wonder if there's a connection in there,
somewhere."
"Tomorrow, we hope to hit route 25 northwest. It depends
how long this great weather keeps up. The roads have been blessedly bare and dry. Cold or not, it's just nice
to drive well on a great road."
"The truck report from the feline member of the Fab Five will
have to wait until tomorrow. It seems that since they are now traveling all in one large crate in the back of the U-haul
that they have decided to decline any interviews. They are all pouting in the tub. Nomad is extra nasty tonight,
as the sink is not in the bathroom tonight."
"He did seem interested in the swirly made by the toilet, but
I don't think he's hit rock bottom yet. We'll have to see how far this goes."
"What? Oh my, this just in. It seems Madison's
hives are subsiding. She took some Zyrtec and is looking less like the Blueberry girl from Willy Wonka. She has
confirmed she will be wearing actual underwear tomorrow, and she has decided to give the bathing suit and her butt a break.
Let's all wish her well."
"I guess that's it for tonight. Tune in tomorrow for
Gator's breakdown of the other dogs we have encountered along the way and his gas from so much snacking. Our other guest
will be Badger the cat. She has an update on her eye infection. She has been fighting the Teramycin ointment like
the hellcat she is, but I have said it once and I will say it again, that's what you get for sleeping in a litter box."
"Just ask Nomad."
"Transcripts of this broadcast can be aquired by hitting the
Print link."
"Thank you and have a great night."
Installment Four
The snow had finally hit and I mad my first small wipeout.
"Holy cow, who let the donkey into the studio? Wait a
minute, that's my lunch!!!! Hey!!!"
"Oh, we are on the AIR!!! LIVE LIVE LIVE, FROM CHEYENNE,
WYOMING, IT'S THE SHORTS'S ON SNOW, the Air Show of the Year!!! ROADTRIP 2003, WE ARE OFFICIALLY ON SNOW!!!!!!!!!!"
"And, so, it begins, the snow. Yes, folks, live, from
the Holiday Inn at Cheyenne, Wyoming, we are broadcasting with the help of our sponsors, the Earthlink internet, and of course,
tonight, the bar. Yes, Yukon Jack is back in the box. Hold onto your butts. It has been such a day.
We have had a real time getting the 362 miles here that I have to get the day's itinerary out of the way."
"Today, Kurt got to watch me, Thomas, and Gator slide
over 3 lanes of traffic on interstate 80 doing about, oh, 45 miles per hour in a huge "I really wanna do a donut" kind of
spin. There I was, cruising along at a nice speed, then all of a sudden, I was fishtailing, my hind end weaving back
and forth between one end and the other like Ronald Reagan during the Iran Contra Affair, and all of a sudden, there we were,
back on track. Gator has officially started smoking, and Thomas has eaten his entire right fore finger."
"I thought it was great, actually. I remember that I
am a Pennsylvania girl, and this does nothing to bother me. I have seen worse driving to school as a kid."
"Don't ask when that was, I'm getting to that age."
"OK, let's get to the meat of the show tonight, the mileage.
We are almost at 1300 miles. And, for Julie, in Nebraska, we are sorry we missed you. If we had any couthe, we
would have found a way to see you, but hey, all these animals, two kids, damn, I am lucky my bum is still attached."
"The show for tonight comes from, like we said, Cheyenne,
Wyoming, and we want to welcome Mimi Bateman to the show, as she has been in the hospital for surgery. Let's all wish
her luck. We love you, mimi. OK, the poop for the day........"
"The roadkill. Oh my God in Heaven. I have seen
it all as a wildlife rehabber in Kentucky, until I got to Nebraska. The state's limit for speed is 75 miles per hour.
Do you know how far that drags a carcass?????? I mean, damn. Deer for, like, over 100 yards, and the horrible
truth of it is, that, like, the entire sides fo the interstate are fenced in, because all the people in the world need to
eat beef or something, so these deer who get caught in between the fences on the highway are doomed."
"It is sick."
"OK, this is another one that gets me sick. Today, we
got to listen to the new Leonard Skynard song, about America. This shit has got to stop. I am sick and tired of
bands that try to cash in on the patriotic crap going on right now."
"Listen, I hate that 'I'm Proud to be an American' song.
It makes me want to puke. I hate this stuff. Not to rant, but do you want to make me, the military wife, happy? Collect
the proceeds that you make from cashing in on all the drunk idiots who buy your records and donate them to the encapsulate
the decrepid Army housing units fund, so my kids won't get higher lead levels, even though daddy is risking his life for your
overpaid, coke-snorting, butt."
"Thank you, and that was the Bud Light Rant of the Night, brought
to you by Us, the Women Who Have Kids With Lead Levels and Our Husbands Our Protecting You, You Weenies, fund."
"Tonight, our main speaker, Gator X, is going to recant the
oddities he saw today in Nebraska. Gator, what made you take notice?"
"Nothing. I smelled cows all day, so I dreamed about
burgers. But I did hear you laughing, should I tell about this?"
"Yes, dear, why don't you?"
"Okay, two things, the 'Petrified Wood Museum, and the Curt
Goudy Museum?"
"Yes, do you mind if I rant?"
"Okay, mommy, just as long as I get to sleep on the bed."
"Ok, people, the Nebraska culture we see on Interstate 80...............The
Petrified Wood Museum. Hold me back, I'm a real fan. Seriously, nothing gets me more excited than,,,,,,,,petrified
wood. I wonder, who did this? Irene Ryan, Daisy May Moses, from the Beverly Hillbilly's? Is this hard up?????
Is this a Weird Al joke? And, Curt Goudy? In case any of you are wondering, Curt Goudy was this commentator from
the Seventies who did, like, football and stuff."
"My dad used to find out he was commentating, and he would
watch the event with the sound off. It's nice to know he is appreciated somewhere. It makes you feel better about
dying. Like, somewhere, there is this little group of people, somewhere, who will worship you if you find them.
I think Curt Goudy had great publicists."
"I guess those people in Africa or South America who suffer from Polydatcylism
(multiple toes or fingers) probably have, like, the Isotoner People looking for them. I wonder who would be my
people, the people from Robert Modavi's Vinyards? Who did we come across who had a Curt Goudy Museum, the Association
for the Deaf in the Northwest?"
"Jeez"
"Anyway, we are going on with the broadcast. Tonight,
Badger has agreed to talk about her illness. She saw Ozzy Ozbourne broke 6 ribs and decided an eye infection wasn't
anything to loose good air time on."
"SO, how are you?"
"Yo, G, I ache all over."
"How is your eye?"
"The meds you kicked out were illin' and I guess I am groovin
for fast recov', eh?"
"Badger, what the Hell's wrong with you?"
"Sorry, Eissa complained, too, but I have been so addicted
to the new Paris Hilton Show. I want to be a sorry, skinny, drug addict with no other purpose than to be interviewed,
too."
"Well, Badger, we love you the way you were, dirty, scummy,
and from the hood."
"Okay, how about this, give me a private trailer, or I smoke
your ass????"
"I think that's it for Badger this evening."
"Onto the bathroom report from the cats formerly of Pressler
Grove. Let's give the floor to Nomad, the sink expert for the evening. So, Nomad, how has the bathroom here at
the Holiday Inn been for you?"
"Great! It's huge, and the shower, sink, toilet, and
a huge counter all are encorporated into the wonderful ambiance of the atmosphere. All in all, I am a very happy cat.
Mr. Kurt has laid down newspaper and towels for mass scratching and all around mayhem......"
"That's great, Nomad! How do you feel about the next
couple of days?"
"Keep on sifting that box and we're tracking."
"Great to hear from you. Looking forward to hearing from
you tomorrow."
"Tomorrow, we are going to deal with the snow report, and we
hope to finally get Mr. Kurt on the line here. He thinks he's, like, so big, but, we know he's just a real putz.
Let's all hope he takes time out from his virtual fishing and real beer drinking to give us some words on the trip."
"We hope to hit 25 and get back to you with something positive
about this part of the trip real soon. It's the Fab Five and their humans signing out for the night, and remember, even
a broken clock is right twice a day, which explains how Lincoln Park can scream their way to the top of the charts."
"This
broadcast brought to you by plastic, the stuff most dog owners don't seem to know about, because they leave crap everywhere."
"Over and out."
Installment Five
By this point I'm realizing that my writing skills have most certainly advanced past
the point they were 3 years ago when I wrote these emails. While it's fun to read them, I'm finding myself a bit embarrassed
by some of it. Well, I'll not change a word - it's good to remember how things were if only for the comparison.
Oh yeah, and we almost died in this installment, too. That should be noted. Jeesh.
The
following is a tape-delayed episode of Roadtrip Jamboree 2003, Shorts' on Snow.
Thank
you and listen in.
“Tap,
tap, is thing on?’
“OK,
we are doing a tape-delayed show tonight, for ‘ROADTRIP JAMBOREE 2003, SHORTS’ ON SNOW’.”
“Welcome
to our tape.”
“As I type this, we are in Tremonton, Utah, and there is no Earthlink hook up number here. Will
the madness never end? So, I will go through the past couple of days, and you can hear this broadcast hopefully
December 11th, as it is the 10th today.”
“Yesterday was the absolutely worst day of the trip, and hopefully, will be the only day we have like it.
Let’s get the bad news out of the way. I got to spin out near Cheyenne, Wyoming. Man, talk about a serious high colonic. The roads were so bad that semis
were in the median, totaled. I have the worst car ever for this type of wind and snow, as it is tall and
very light. So, I fishtailed again, and ended up on the brink of a 45 degree bankment.
Thank goodness for the parking break. After I got Thomas and Gator out of the car, Spank helped
me out, and we ended up being reamed financially by the tow truck guy, who definitely ended up the day, oh, about 1400 dollars
richer, at the least.”
“We
only got 150 miles yesterday, as most of it was done doing only 25 to 35 miles per hour.”
“On
a good note, no one was hurt, and no damage was done to any of our equipment, including our car.”
“Today was just gorgeous, and we put in over 350 easy miles. The Rocky Mountains
are the absolute coolest thing I have ever seen. Being at 7,000 feet above sea level is almost worth the
view.”
“Our
very special guest tonight is Gator X, as he has a huge amount to report.”
“So,
how was your day, Gator?”
“Much
better than yesterday. Yesterday was very bad. First, you spun me clean out of a nap
that involved a 4 pound sirloin and 2 king-size comforters. You owe me, mom.”
“You
shouldn’t tell your mother about dreams like that. That can cause permanent damage.”
“Sorry.
Stuff happens.”
“Well, first, like I said, there was this awful wipe out. Then, I had to walk over a quarter
mile with Thomas in the snow in the most coldestest winds I ever felt on my nose. It only went downhill
from there. The radio stations were bad, you kept crying, and then there was that huge St. Bernard in the
middle of Wyoming at that MacDonalds’…….”
“Oh
yeah, I forgot about that! Tell the audience about it.”
“Grrrowwwlll.
So, like, I feel bad for this huge dog in the parking lot, but he stole Thomas’s French fries and then attacked
our car when he saw me. I think he was mad that we drove by his fries. Anyway, he was
all like, ‘bark, growl, get away from my fries’, and I was all like, ‘hey, boo, I’m in the car, here,
what do you expect me to do?’, and he was all like, ‘I’m gonna get you.’, and I was all,’ oh
no, you can’t.’, and he was all, ’Nyah nyah, I got fries,”
“It
just got stupid from there. I don’t think he went to school.”
“I
was very afraid that we were going to run him over, and I felt so bad for him!”
“Well,
mom, he had a collar on, so I think he was just cruising. Besides, he was a real butthead.”
“I
see. So, what else happened?”
“I got to see some more of the country. Wyoming and Utah were pretty
poop free. I was pleasantly surprised.”
“So,
would you come back here?”
“As
long as it’s not in this deathbox.”
“Nice,
Gator.”
“Hey,
what can I say? Breathing has its advantages.”
“Everyone
is a critic these days. Hey, why don’t you tell them about the motel we are staying at now?”
“OK.
It’s called the Sandman Hotel, but it’s a motel, and Thomas says the toilet paper is very above average.
There is also a window in the bathroom that you can open, so it helps, considering who we are traveling with, DAD.
Hehehehehe. Anyway, the man who works the office loved me! I’m so pretty, so pretty,
I’m such a PRETTY DOG. Hahahahaha.”
“God,
get over yourself!”
“We
knew we were in like Flynn when he showed us that the screensaver on his camera cell phone was his dog, a pretty hot 120 pound
yellow lab. Hubba hubba. What a broad.”
“Yes,
it helps that the man is a dog lover.”
“I
could be too if you didn’t get me neutered.”
“OK,
that’s enough for our four-legged Casanova. We have a mileage total, I think, with our spokesmodel,
Eissa. Eissa, what total do we have now?”
“Puuurrrr. We are at 1782 miles, and we have a little over 900 miles left.
That means we should be at Ft. Lewis by Saturday. THIS means I only have THREE DAYS LEFT
WITH THE PLEBIANS I AM STUCK WITH ON THIS TOUR. Nomad should have been named Blutarsky. Seriously.”
“What
do you think of the bathroom here?”
“It’s
not bad, and we have been having a little fun with the shower door. It’s, like, so fun.
I forget that it opens, and when Badger pushes on it, it’s so fun!!!! Don’t tell Nomad,
he thinks he can make me laugh. What a loser.”
“Wow,
you’re so guarded. Now, onto Mr. Kurt, who has remained silent so far, but I have asked him for his
report on his stomache, as he ate some undercooked chicken tonight. So, honey, how’s your stomache?”
“PlSHHHSSSKKKK.
(That is the sound of a can of beer opening) I’m fine. I think the beer
killed the salmonella.”
“Folks,
Mr. Kurt is quite the amazing man. I couldn’t have stomached what he ate, and here he is, making
sure it’s not thirsty. Such the animal lover.”
“For the next show, we should be airing live from Idaho, way past Boise,
or in Oregon, which is what we are hoping for. Let’s hope that the weather
holds out, and the skies continue to be as pretty as they were today. We going to take 84 from here on
out. When we left route 80 today around Ogden, I felt like I should have at least
sent flowers. I used the road, and then it did me royal around Cheyenne.
What an intimate relationship! We will take very mixed feelings from Wyoming.
The first half was almost worth the second.”
“Now,
for our funny moment of the day, with our Thomas to commentate.”
“OK,
when I went into the Men’s bathroom, I had to go number two, and there were these paper toilet seat covers on the wall
in a box, and someone had written below it ‘OFFICIAL WYOMING STATE TROOPER HATS, TAKE ONE’ Someone
hates cops, huh?”
“Sounds
like someone was just having fun. Thank you Thomas. Tonight we also welcome Christine
and Rosie to the audience. Thanks for your input. We miss you, too.”
”We
will resume live broadcasting tomorrow, hopefully, if Earthlink has a number for us. And, I’m paying
twenty dollars a month for this? My word, I feel so violated.”
“Thank
you for tuning in, and remember, comments can be sent to expensivewino13@earthlink.net. This is the fishtailing wonder, signing off for the night.”
Installment Six
I remember staying at the hotel mentioned in this particular entry because I had
words with some women who was walking her Shar-pei and didn't clean up after it. Having an AKC registered dog and expensive
clothes does not guarantee that you're not an ass. I hate rich people.
“Is
there no end to the madness?
“LIVE
LIVE LIVE, or not? It seems we’re having some difficulty with EARTHLINK, OR SHOULD WE SAY, EARTH
UN-LINKED. I mean, what’s up with this? I’m paying $21.95 to have internet
access across the country, but I can’t get any access for the past, oh, 600 miles?”
“I’m
having a cow, man.”
“So,
this will also be tape-delayed. And, I am officially canceling Earthlink as soon as we get to our new home,
which could be the first official business of ROADTRIP JAMBOREE 2003, SHORTS’ ON SNOW!!!!!!! ALMOST
LIVE LIVE LIVE! Or, should we scream, ‘TAPED, TAPED, TAPED!!!!!!!!’”
“What
a rip off. I demand to see the station manager.”
“We
are close to our final destination, and we ask Gator Shorts the following question.”
“So,
Gator, can you tell us what you are looking forward to?”
“Yes.
Sleeping in the afternoon while not doing 65 miles per hour in the deathbox with Mother Speed at the wheel.
Can I tell the audience about my day, please please please?”
“I
got to see a stray dog today in Burley, Idaho. It was very sad, so I didn’t eat it.
The people in the store, though, I would have eaten. You should tell the audience how you had to
bug the cashier to call Animal Control. Can I bite’em next time, huh? Can I can
I can I mommy mommy mommy?”
“Then,
I got to take a walk where we are, Ontario, Oregon, and man, what a bunch of poop. We watched some yuppy
lady not pick up after her Shar Pei, and then you got on her back, didn’tcha’ mommy, huh, huh, huh?????”
“THEN,
I GOT TO EAT FROM THE DOGGY BAG. OOOOHHHH, I LOVE THE DOGGY BAGGY THE STYROFOAM HAPPY CONTAINER.
OH, I LOVE YOU, WITH YOUR YUMMY SMELLS, AND YOUR WHITE STYROFOAMINESS, AND THEN YOU ALWAYS HAVE THE GREATEST THINGIES
IN YOU!!!!!”
“Oh,
I think I have a headache. I’m going to lay down, OK mommy?”
“I
see Gator has expressed his appreciation for the chicken I asked the server to leave to the side of my Alfredo tonight.
Good night, Gator.”
“Tonight,
the kids got to swim in the pool, and Gator, before you go to sleep, why don’t you tell our friends about the dog at
the front desk of the hotel?”
“Oh
yeah, he was such a nancy boy. His name is Bear, and he is a Standard black Poodle with a puppy
cut. He’s real tall, and the girls like him, but, like, he has to go to the barber shop.
You may cut his hair someday, huh mommy?”
“Maybe.
But that’s another story, now let’s talk to Barney for the mileage report.”
“Meow.
Today we hit 338 miles again, and that puts us over 2100 miles. We are anywhere from 400 to 600
miles from Ft. Lewis, and we will probably get there Saturday. And, I just can’t wait.
Nomad is just ticking us all off. Have you seen the water bowl? What is wrong
with him? I mean, it’s one thing to like the water bowl, but to constantly swat at it after he’s
been in the box?”
“I
have been changing the water quite a bit, lately.”
“Yeah,
well this is just ridiculous. He thinks he’s a freakin’ raccoon. And, that’s
fine with me, because I’m about to blacken both his eyes. Just one more time, and I’m opening
the world’s biggest can on whoop a-“
“OK,
that’s enough for our crotchety old man of the crew, but I have heard similar rumblings from the girls.
Let’s see what Nomad has to say for himself.”
“Hey,
if it feels good…..”
“Allrighty
then. Well, Madison has a report for us today on the beautiful mountains of Utah.
What did you think of them?”
“The
clouds were really close and they looked like whipped cream on the mountains, and they were ice cream. I’m
hungry. I crack myself up.”
“Madison did seem to eat a good deal today. We did encounter some wonderful sights in Idaho
along route 84, being the Snake River and where it intersected King Hill. What a wonderful
view of the Rockies. But, the rest of Idaho? Madison, tell us what you said in the
car.”
“It’s
dirty, brown, and plain.”
“Folks,
I think she just described a potato. Coincidence? I think not.”
“As
to the celebrity report, we have heard that Bobby Brown has been arrested AGAIN for domestic violence. I
just don’t have a comment for this. I don’t think I need one.”
“We
have been again blessed with superb road conditions, so I am thankful for this. We hope that this will
carry into Washington. The temperature here, also, is much, much warmer than we have experienced
during the past week. I am glad for this also, as the cats have been too disgruntled to cuddle for warmth
during the day in the U-haul. Tune in tomorrow, when we will hopefully be LIVE, HELLO, EARTHLINK?
CAN I BUY A VOWEL HERE?”
“So,
let’s hope that we get a city with an actual phone line.”
“Thanks
for your time, and enjoy our live entertainment up, the boys of South Park, Colorado, let’s
hear it for Moop.”
“Over
and out.”
Installment Seven
This was the recap and final installment of our trip. We had reached Ft. Lewis
in style right on time. Life sometimes is good. I love Washington. It's my home.
"Well, folks, it's the end of an era............................"
"Welcome to the last broadcast of Roadtrip Jamboree, 2003,
Shorts' on Snow as we come to.......rain. And, thankfully, WASHINGTON STATE!!!!!!"
"I'm in Washington, nyah nyah nyah boo boo. We plugged
in 296 miles yesterday in some crazy rain, West Coast Style (I'm going to say that alot now, so get sick of it alread, family),
to come to.........TACOMA. Ta'Dinnnnggggg. I am so very happy."
"The report for tonight will include highlights from the following
week, the mileage report, and the litter box crew giving their impression of the past crazy days."
"Badger, seeing as all you do is hide, why don't you give the
final mileage report and the GRAND TOTAL?"
"Well, it's, like, 296 for today, an-"
"Hey there, you can speak up, you know, everyone likes you,
and you have such a pretty singing voice."
"OK, well, the total for today was 296 and
then it mak-"
"Sweetie, you can spe-"
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